BAY PINES, Fla. -- As he leaves his house, the Vietnam veteran straps on his bulletproof vest, puts his 9 mm pistol on his hip, his .22-caliber pistol in his back, his .380 pistol in his boot and loads his knives.
For former Marine James Alderman, this was his routine just to go to the store for 50 years because of his Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
The Journey Begins
When he went to boot camp, Alderman said he was guaranteed a position in the Marine Corps Band.
“I could play the Marine Corps hymn forwards and backwards on four different instruments,” said Alderman. “But as I was sitting in my squad bay, the drill instructors asked all the music guarantees to raise their hands. I heard garbage cans and bodies flying. I took my arm and ease it down because everybody who had their hand up was getting assaulted.
“They came up and grabbed me by the throat, threw me up against the back wall and said, ‘If you pass the audition, I’ll kill you where you stand and drag you out there and put you in that swamp.’ My drill instructor said I’d make a heck of a (reconnaissance) Marine. I said, ‘Okay, I’ll do that,’ and signed my name to the list.”
Vietnam
Alderman arrived in Vietnam Feb. 7, 1967 and left March 5, 1968. He was with Company C, 3rd Reconnaissance Battalion, and performed his duties as a Marine scout sniper and Vietnamese language instructor and coordinator.
According to Alderman, he had one distinction he is most proud of.
“I was [in] the only team in recon, we traveled in five-man teams, and I was the only one who had no one killed while I was there,” said Alderman. “Nobody on my team was killed so this distinction is one I’m pretty proud of.
“We had other teams completely lost, wiped out, gone forever and when I go to the wall and type their names out every year, I feel honored being here on their behalf.”
Alderman added that within 15 minutes of him arriving in Vietnam, a fellow Marine had taken his life, and he had to clean up the remains. He then had to help recover other bodies, and the smells and visions of the carnage of war still haunt him.
“In Vietnam, you saw carnage, death, sadness, destruction, fear, hopelessness, just pure unadulterated gut terror,” said Alderman. “We would travel in such small man teams, and we were always outnumbered and outgunned but we had pride and were going to get the mission done. We saw things that would give you nightmares for the rest of your lives but we carry it in our hearts so everybody else can sleep.”
According to Alderman, there’s one situation in Vietnam when nothing particular happened but it gives him nightmares.
“I was coming up a hill, and I was camouflaged in, and a man came across the ridge toward me with an AK-47 in his hand. He stopped right in front of me and turned toward me real fast like that,” said Alderman. “I thought he was getting ready to kill me because I’m lying at his feet.
“I’m sitting there looking at his boots, and I can see the AK-47 coming across, and he’s got the flashlight looking for me as it comes across. He took a quick step back, and the [rifle] came right toward my head. I let go of my M-14 and tightened up, thinking, ‘he’s going to kill me. I’m 19 years old. This is it for me.’ He said, ‘di di mau,’ which means, ‘Go quickly,’ and went on down the hill.”
Alderman added that he has dreams of that moment because he wasn’t in control. He said he can still taste the old vegetation mud and rain from the boots of the North Vietnamese soldier from that moment.
Coming Home
Alderman said he was very good at his job and that he will never get rid of the smell of decomposition. When he left Vietnam and the sounds of bombs, fire and chaos going off, there was no shut off switch.
When he arrived at his home in St. Cloud, Florida, his father had fixed up his 57 Chevrolet and as he was walking down the hallway of his house toward it, his girlfriend at the time jumped out behind him to surprise him. He attacked her, showing his first symptoms of PTSD.
While in Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island, South Carolina, he met his future wife Pat at a restaurant at the base.
“We’ve been together since 1972,” said Alderman. “I love my wife dearly. She’s been going through this (PTSD and recovery) with me. She told me I needed to go do this.”
After the Military
Alderman had hoped to become a highway patrolman after the Marine Corps but they wouldn’t hire him because of his time in Vietnam.
“I was denied work because the military trained me to be an absolute professional killer, and I was really, really good at it,” said Alderman. “I started isolating myself little by little, and I didn’t trust civilians so much. When I got out in 1975, programs like Bay Pines (VA Medical Center in Bay Pines, Florida) didn’t exist. They gave you your discharge papers and said, ‘Have a good life.’”
Alderman said for the next 50 years, he fortified his house, got two Rottweilers, Brick and Mason, and minimized his friends. He wouldn’t go to the store without his arsenal and bulletproof vest.
“Just think how exhausting that is to go through this on a daily basis, and I thought it was normal,” said Alderman. “This is what I was trained to do, to protect people around me so if I go out, I can’t go out unarmed. There’s bad things out there in the world. I trust nobody.”
PTSD
At times, Alderman felt hopeless. He and Pat lost a two-year old. They were homeless at one time, and he was jobless at another time. They had their struggles but they had a nice business for 30 years. He retired in 1996, but never realized he had PTSD.
“I was hopeless. I had that 9-mm to my head more times than you can imagine and just never squeezed the trigger off, that’s how it all started,” said Alderman. “I was a lost soul.”
Alderman finally started seeing a therapist after being rushed to the hospital two years ago after suffering a panic attack. He was hesitant to admit he had PTSD and to seek treatment in the beginning.
“I’m one of the best trained Marines the Marine Corps has ever had. I’ve been a drill instructor and a sniper. I’ve killed more people in more ways than you can shake a stick at. I was shot through my left arm and don’t have the use of these fingers. I still survived 50 years without the use of my left hand. You’re not going to tell me how to do this,” Alderman said was his initial sentiment.
Alderman went to Bay Pines and surveyed the area before he went to his interview and then called his wife.
“You get off your behind and go in there. You made it this far. It’s just another step, that’s all you’ve got to do,” said Pat Alderman. “One more step, and you’ve got this, and you’re going to leave a mark on this place.”
Bay Pines
“I’m a United States Marine, and I’m here for help,” said Alderman when he entered the front door of the facility.
“I was kind of embarrassed to ask for help, especially something going on in my head. I can control everything else,” said Alderman. “I’m almost paralyzed up here because I’m stuck in time. All of a sudden, here it is, this little light comes on, and I’m going, ‘I’ve got this.’ I just needed a little help.”
Alderman told his therapist he just wanted hope, a sense of purpose and help. The therapists gave him tools to help him cope with his nightmares.
“If you come here and have the same experience I do, you’ll leave a better person,” said Alderman. “You’ll have a little hope and purpose, that’s all I was looking for. I’m not expecting to get cured. There’s no way you’re going to cure this but they gave me tools to handle it. Now I have purpose and new friends.”
Rachel Dyson, a pre-doctoral psychology intern and therapist at Bay Pines, said Alderman was very open with her about his story and had an energetic personality.
“Jim did a great job,” said Dyson. “This is not an easy program to be a part of. We ask [our clients] to do difficult things that anybody who comes into this sort of situation is going to struggle with. Jim pushed himself to do things that would be difficult but he felt would be helpful. From the start, he came with an attitude of wanting to make improvements because he felt he really needed this.”
Alderman’s turning point in the therapy was when he started to realize why he was experiencing some of his PTSD symptoms, according to Dyson.
“Once he was able to recognize where the symptoms were coming from and why it was coming up for him was a very powerful moment. Understanding why we have some of the symptoms and experiences we have can be very powerful,” said Dyson.
Alderman underwent therapy where he was exposed to the emotions expressed from his traumatic experiences to help him process them, learning skills to process them and learned to recognize his triggers as well as coping tools. The best coping skill he learned was becoming involved with a support network such as the friends he made. He plans on taking his new friend, retired Army and Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran Al Alcantara cliff diving.
Purpose and Future
Alderman made many friends at Bay Pines and reached out to his fellow veterans, trying to be a positive force in their lives. His wife is dismantling his arsenal at home, and he is chopping down his gates and firing sites at home. His biggest challenge is going shopping unarmed. Alderman also plans to expand his bird sanctuary in his backyard.
“I’ve got some relief, and I’m going to have some fun now. I’ve got purpose,” said Alderman.
Alderman plans on volunteering at a senior citizen community and homeless shelters near his home.
“I cry a lot now but it’s not out of sadness; it’s out of joy,” said Alderman. “That voice still says, ‘Jimmy, you’re okay. You’ve got this.’”